Skip to main content

What do I do?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say in these situations.

So in turn I choose not to watch the videos, I choose not to follow the cases, and I choose to stay quiet.


I don't feel as though i'm someone in a position to have an opinion about all this.

This is not to say I don't feel a certain way about what I see. It turns my stomach and it scares me. Because only being afraid of receiving a speeding ticket is no longer enough, I'm now afraid of loosing my life. Cue eye-rolls from people who question my "blackness".

My early opinions were along the lines of "Well if they just listened..." "If they cooperated..." "If they watched their tone..." The way I saw it, most people of color lacked a respect for law enforcement. But now these things no longer apply. Now even cooperating can get you shot. What is respect if it's bred from fear?

I refused to believe that cops could be so cruel and downright evil. I grew up with an Uncle on the force, and a stepfather who I'm pretty sure still is (but is no longer in my life). I couldn't picture one of them, or one of their friends and co-workers, killing someone in cold blood.

Despite these things, I'm fighting an internal battle. Do I stand by my honest opinion that the lack of respect breeds hostility, or do I stand by the proof so far that they just hate us?

My blackness has been questioned across the board form the way I dress, to how I talk, and to the things I like. But I am black. My upbringing and personality being different doesn't mean I'm an alien to my own race.

But I do wish I could understand them better.

I wish certain media prejudices and things I see with my own eyes didn't turn me off to indulging further into my "culture". Because If I did understand more than I do, I'd have an opinion...a valid one at that.

Once again cue the people who will bash me for choosing to keep my distance. 

While avoiding being placed in a stereotype, negative or true (as ALL stereotypes come from some truth) I already am placed in others. The Oreo, or the county girl, or whatever other names I acquired and categories I fall into. It is this division that shuts me up.

I don't feel as though I have the right to speak on what I see. I don't truly understand the struggles as I grew up away from them. I do, however, have the right to share in the pain and fear.

I have the right to let my heart break.

I have the right to wonder if someone I care about will be next.

I have the right to wonder if it'll be me.

Popular posts from this blog

Make Space: Carving Out Your Slice of the Universe

Having a place to retreat to or a place to truly call home is one of the most important things in life that many young people overlook. I think that the notion of being free makes us forget what it's like to have a home.

Who do you suppose decided birds are free? They can fly wherever they choose...but if there's no branch for them to return to they might regret having wings, don't you think? Perhaps true freedom is having a home to return to.~Unknown
The moment I realized I wanted to move out I had no second thoughts, I was ready thanks to my mother training me vigorously on how to care for myself and why it's important to break away and become my own person.

Moving out isn't always a necessity in creating your space, though having more than just your room can make it easier. (seriously guys please stop trying to live by your own rules when you not paying for anything) I have seen other apartment spaces and the spaces of people still at home, and while most were j…

Humpday Update #26

I've pretty much realized by this point that very few bloggers out there have anything of substance to say. With most of us out there being females, and more than %75 percent of us talking about topics like fashion, makeup, hair, and "lifestyle" which amounts to little more than recipes, $60 throw pillows, and fruit infusion water bottles.

What I'm getting at here is that watching "fluff" bloggers take the spotlight is really disheartening when you're trying to actually say something.

I try to be completely honest in my posts. Giving people ways to tackle problems in their lives no matter how big or small. Self confidence, reaching goals, and doing what you love. But because I'm not teaching the perfect contour, where to by the latest shag rug, or even worse, passing off the latest overpriced reader count remains embarrassingly low.

It's more than frustrating actually. It makes me want to punch every perfectly curated blogger I com…

Sleep Now, Die Later

You are not nocturnal.  Fact. Human beings were not built to be up and about after the sun goes down. There is a REASON you feel like crap the next morning when you've stayed up late or gone out. Of course this isn't about going to bed at 8 and never hanging out. It's more about why you should make sure you sleep well and regularly. 
Sleep is an integral and highly necessary part of being able to function properly. 
I promised myself I'd never miss a weekly update. But there was no Humpday Update #14 because I couldn't even formulate words yesterday. I was SO TIRED.
The notion of "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" is not cool or cute. Having your body shut down on you, even in the smallest ways, can obstruct how you go about life during the day.
It's something I've been seeing since I started college and I was even guilty of it myself. Pulling an "all nighter" was the norm, scrolling through social media until 3 am was acceptable, and pa…