Skip to main content

What do I do?


I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say in these situations.

So in turn I choose not to watch the videos, I choose not to follow the cases, and I choose to stay quiet.

Why?

I don't feel as though i'm someone in a position to have an opinion about all this.

This is not to say I don't feel a certain way about what I see. It turns my stomach and it scares me. Because only being afraid of receiving a speeding ticket is no longer enough, I'm now afraid of loosing my life. Cue eye-rolls from people who question my "blackness".

My early opinions were along the lines of "Well if they just listened..." "If they cooperated..." "If they watched their tone..." The way I saw it, most people of color lacked a respect for law enforcement. But now these things no longer apply. Now even cooperating can get you shot. What is respect if it's bred from fear?

I refused to believe that cops could be so cruel and downright evil. I grew up with an Uncle on the force, and a stepfather who I'm pretty sure still is (but is no longer in my life). I couldn't picture one of them, or one of their friends and co-workers, killing someone in cold blood.

Despite these things, I'm fighting an internal battle. Do I stand by my honest opinion that the lack of respect breeds hostility, or do I stand by the proof so far that they just hate us?

Yes...us.

My blackness has been questioned across the board form the way I dress, to how I talk, and to the things I like. But I am black. My upbringing and personality being different doesn't mean I'm an alien to my own race.

But I do wish I could understand them better.

I wish certain media prejudices and things I see with my own eyes didn't turn me off to indulging further into my "culture". Because If I did understand more than I do, I'd have an opinion...a valid one at that.

Once again cue the people who will bash me for choosing to keep my distance. 

While avoiding being placed in a stereotype, negative or true (as ALL stereotypes come from some truth) I already am placed in others. The Oreo, or the county girl, or whatever other names I acquired and categories I fall into. It is this division that shuts me up.

I don't feel as though I have the right to speak on what I see. I don't truly understand the struggles as I grew up away from them. I do, however, have the right to share in the pain and fear.

I have the right to let my heart break.

I have the right to wonder if someone I care about will be next.

I have the right to wonder if it'll be me.






Popular posts from this blog

Humpday Update #21

My last hiatus was long and much needed.

Feeling ALL the feels, getting sick, working on side projects, and just being completely exhausted in general kept me from thinking straight enough to form sentences; let alone a blog post.

The hiatus was initially kicked off by the beginning of election season and all the horrific stuff that seemed to follow. 2016 has been a pretty gross year and I think everyone is just ready for January. Even as I tried to think of things to update you on I found it hard to maneuver around the stuff that sucks. But I did it.

I've been ignoring ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to do with the election. And not just the presidential election. In my hometown of Baltimore, even local elections are smothered in controversy and sheer stupidity. Corrupt politicians trying to run again and young newcomers claiming they know how to fix everything. Don't even get me started on the presidential election. I know who I'm voting for and that's all that matters.

My po…

2016 Wrap-Up: "Next Year I'll Do Something"

I'm not 100% sure what my resolution(s) for 2016 even was... I'm sure I set one; pretty sure anyway. But then again I don't know when I finally realized that resolutions are pretty stupid. I mean, it's mostly just something no one ever completes right? 
I guess it's just not for everybody. There are those people who can set and reach clear goals of any difficulty. I, unfortunately, am not one of those people. I've learned over this past year that I just sort of need to live "free form". I don't really meet goals or milestones and when I don't I feel like I failed somehow. 
I'd rather feel refreshed and excited by trying something new or completing something old than like I have meet goals to please others or myself. 
Because let's be honest, those resolutions aren't really for you. If they were they'd be personal, not blasted all over social media so we can feel good about others seeing how hard we're trying. Hopefully 2017…

Humpday Update #23: "Project Motivation"

So what you probably can't tell from my absence is that I've been secretly working on "Project Motivation". I talk a lot about making lists, getting things done, and tackling personal projects; as well as being tired, worn out, and just plain not in the mood. All the while "Project Motivation" has been a go.

Christmas was the best time to really put things into action. I got the whole week off from work which was much needed to recharge and focus on things I really wanted to do.

I spent time with family, my boyfriend, and my fur babies and recently finally went shopping. Getting mostly things to change my living space up including a new desk and trinkets to draw me back into drawing and designing. I grabbed a graphic novel I've been wanting to start and fun bits and bobs.

The major bits of "Project Motivation" have been set into motion or completed.

Create a WorkspaceCreate/Update a Website/PortfolioStart Writing Again My new website can be fo…