Humpday Update #24

12:51:00 PM

I want to take a minute to explain why people my age are not in my inspiration pool.

First, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

This year is a year of learning how to properly express emotions. As odd as it sounds, there are quite a few I'm not very good at. Happiness for others, especially for people my age for example, comes out in the form of the big green monster.

I'm talking about jealousy.

I suffer with it pretty greatly and confronting it here where everyone will now know is a little scary. But what's a step forward in the dark. Right? The whole "everyone has their path" theory infuriates me although I know it to be true. Our backgrounds and personalities lead us all to different jobs, homes, cars, friends, and talents. Alas though, my clear understanding of the theory doesn't mean I'm able to quell "it" from coming out.

Now the monster's level of ferocity varies from person to person. From family and friends to friends and strangers. Mostly, the less I know about your life the more jealous of you I am susceptible to be. As well as the factor of age. The closer to my age you are, the higher the level of mean and green.

"A graph would be so useful right about now..."

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I'm trying to accept and appreciate where I am in life by working harder to get where I'm not. I'm also reminding myself that aspiring to be like someone who isn't necessarily ahead of me is pretty silly. I can't move sideways, and I refuse to move backward.

My new inner monologue consists of things like;

  • My artwork/writing/pod-casting will get better if I work at it.
  • If someone says I am good at something I should believe them. 
  • Money buys things, not happiness. 
  • My decisions are mine; right or wrong.
  • I refuse to do that to get there. End of discussion.
  • All in good time.
  • "Keep it moving."
It changes per situation of course and it's sort of working so far. There are still moments where I feel bad about myself and get pretty irritable. But it's a slow process.

Not all issues can be fixed with a snap of your fingers. But boy I wish they could...

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